so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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