she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
