Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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