cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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