I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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