everyone is single if you try hard enough
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
