Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
