Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize