We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
