i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize