shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
