Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
