I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
