I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
