i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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