I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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