I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
