Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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