I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
