you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
