I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
