I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
