They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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