I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
