Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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