You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
tell me about the eggs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
