how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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