you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm too high and old for this...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
