those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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