Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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