Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
