I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
4 words: hood of his car
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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