did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
