And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
