I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
