totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
