??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
