I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
