and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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