So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
