I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize