party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
