Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
