Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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