that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
