she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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