he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize