can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
