this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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