just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That accounts for only three of the penises
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
