why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
