If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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