We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
