I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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