awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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