So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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