I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
being pregnant is like rehab
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
