ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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