my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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