I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
