tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
