A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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