If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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