Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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